Letter to my ex

  touch emo tonight, again....

 

All I wanted was to be loved
You didn't have to humiliate me

I trusted you
I confided in you, I told you what my father did to me, and you used it agaisnt me
I was finally starting to feel safe, the first time in my entire life I thought I was safe

I thought you would listen to me, I thought you would respect my wishes,
you said you would protect me and never hurt me, you lied
You hurt me, and you know it
You didn't even say sorry, you acted like it was for the greater good and then acted as if nothing happened
What were you doing when I was screaming for you to stop, what were you thinking when I was crying out in pain.
I was slowly getting better and you kept knocking me down every time I started to stand up, you knocked legs right out from under me

Someone who loves you is supposed to treat you with care, is supposed to care about you, you didn't
I'm not your property

I started to believe I deserved it, I didn't have the right to want what I want, I didn't have the right to say no, I didn't have the right to not have have sex.
I tried to think it would only happen once, it wouldn't happen again, it was a mistake, he didn't mean to hurt me, I lied to myself, I knew better, I knew the way it goes.
I just wanted to feel safe, I wanted to decide things for my own body, to have control of what happened to me, you took a that simple right from me.


I never wanted to live that way, I don't belong to you, I belong to me and me alone
I will not live that way, I refuse to live that way, no son of a bitch will ever take that away from me again

you are a coward, I hope karma bites you in the ass

Sentinel

Withdrawals

I'm going through Citalopram withdrawals at the moment, which the professionals call SSRI discontinuation syndrome, that's the nice way of saying you are addicted to that shit physically and you are going to feel it when you come off of it. Nice right, they call it that so people don't look it up and go fuck no I'm not trying that shit, because it may help, it's not fun being on those medications in the first place at least with alcohol I got some fun out of it.

So when I finally feel like me again or a little like me at least, I went off of this stuff so I can switch to something else so I can get some sleep without taking a handful of tablets each night and now feel worse than I ever did, with extra side effects  "brain zaps", dizzy and feeling like I am going to faint, homicidal, suicidal, damn right want to cry and rip someone to threads at the same. Doesn't that sound confusing, I have to stay sitting still or lying down to decrease the amount of "brain zaps" I get. Of course the symptoms come with a dash of flu symptoms, such as sore ears, throat, headache, sore muscles, no energy, and light and noise sensitivity. I have no fuse, not that I had one before I stopped the medication but now I have no patience and I want to put a dent in everything.

Frustrating as hell, my psychiatrist said I may feel a little tired and flu-ish. I want to find a cattle prod and jab her in the head with it every time she moves and see how she feels.

Someone just shoot me, fuck it wheres the gun I'll do it

 

I just want to sleep

Sentinel

My Ex

I felt like talking about my ex today,  I've wrote a complaint to the nursing council lately and they in turn have referred it on to the health and disability commission. It's been a long process and still may have years left to go.  I started with the police I suppose I always knew there wouldn't be enough evidence but I still wanted to try. Sometimes I wonder why I have put myself through it. dredging up the past, which I am very ashamed of.

I felt that because I wasn't a kid anymore and I didn't leave him when he hurt me, it was mainly my fault. I still don't understand it, it is kind of weird for me talking about my ex. I don't really feel anything other than anger and foolishness towards that part of my life, just thinking of how I got manipulated and sucked in causes me pain, it is forever very confusing for me. When I think about my exs relationship with me I know it is wrong to be in a relationship with a client, I didn't understand it then, it was weird for me to have someone treat me well, like me and want to protect me he said I was special, this was in the beginning, he was 7 years older than me and my psychiatric nurse. Now I know he stopped me getting help when I needed to and used my issues and past against me, he abused my trust.

I know he raped me at least twice, the other stuff is at least really dodgy. I know now I didn't deserve it. I didn't know how to say no and didn't think I had that right and when I finally said it, my no's were ignored and he forcibly raped me, my voice meant nothing, my rights meant nothing to him.  I ended up in the same situation again, somebodies property being abused at their whim. I stupidly choose not to defy him again and be a good partner it became a cycle, I would try and head off his moods and abuse and not fight him. It didn't matter it would happen either way.

I didn't understand that at the time, I thought I deserved it, I thought I was his girlfriend and that was what I was supposed to do. I also felt I owed him for helping me,  I was disrespecting him for not wanting to have sex with him, no matter how I felt. I felt bad that all I wanted to do was feel safe, have nights were I just slept, and not have have sex with him, have nights where I didn't wake with to find him having sex with me. I wanted to feel safe when I had memories about past abuse that he would not force sex on me to "make things better" to stop my depression. I realise now he shouldn't have put me through that and I was not his property. I always thought that I was getting it better than when I was a kid, he loves me, he got me out of hospital and he is protecting me from my father and myself. I realise now he wasn't, he hindered my recovery and made this worse for me.

I believed his manipulations and lies, I kept his secrets.

Sentinel

Ups and downs

I'm getting so sick of the ups and downs, one moment I think I am sorting myself out then the next I am crashing and wondering where my light went. I suppose I haven't really got over the court case yet and got distracted finishing the complaint against my ex. Now I have finished the ground has opened up from under me. I realised how much is needed in the process for the complaint against my ex and it's just another long drawn out process, I really don't know if I have it in me now, the same stuff keeps coming up, what happen if they don't believe me, just brush me off.

Always the same anxiety, I have to calm my self down, so sick of the stupid anxiety attacks.  I just need to change how I think flick the switch again and stop myslef from slipping further and further down the slope.

 

I'll get there, I'm safe, I have a good support system and techniques I just need to bloody use it and not be ashamed I need to ask for help. I get so frustrated by myself sometimes, one day I will give myself a break.

Sentinel

Trying to let go

I need to let go, I need to let go of the pain and people who hurt me, I'm not forgiving them, just accepting I can't change my past or the people in it. What I can do is help others, hopefully help prevent them getting hurt.

I get confused about letting my past go, I can still feel the pain and the big holes in my soul, I just still want to move forward. I think I need to claim myself, what I have done to get here now. Yes I've been hurt and done some really stupid things, but I think I have learnt from them. I get to make me now, I am responsible for how I act/behave now. That's a little daunting but I'm still going to keep going.

“Incredible change happens in your life when you decide to take control of what you do have power over instead of craving control over what you don't.” Steve Maraboli

 

 To “let go” is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome is not in my hands.

 

  To “let go” is not to change or blame another, it is to be responsible for myself in that situation.

 I'm not quit sure how to do this yet but I'm working on it.

 Sentinel

Keep your lies

My mother keeps trying to get me to contact her, I just can't, I have had enough, I don't trust her.

Liar

Two Faced

I can't believe her, one minute she is telling my brother and his partner I'm brainwashed and lying and the next to her family, she is upset that all this stuff has happened to me and why am I angry with her, that she didn't know, how does that change things now.  WTF sort your shit out women, if just once she gave a shit about me and not herself she might understand, wait that would never happen.

 I'm angry, I know it. I guess I'm frustrated, I want to confront her, but I don't want to give her the satisfaction of seeing me or being able to manipulate me again. I just want to fill in the gaps and tell her how she has hurt me. I want her to admit to what she has done and why. I want to know why she lied at court for him, why she hurt me and why she didn't protect me. I've had enough of her lies, I don't need to deal with her now I know where she stands.

I just hope my anuty stops trying to get us to talk, I don't want to snap at them, not all my anger is at her and I don't want others getting hurt by it.



Sentinel

Breaking the silence

I felt like talking about how breaking the silence affected me and the benefits and of course the consequences of my actions.

As the title of my blog states "Silence no more, secrets kill", this rings home to me every time I look at my blog, how I almost died time and time again because of keeping abusers secrets.

At the time of the abuse I wanted to tell people but at the same time I really didn't, this stuff was shameful to me, I thought it was my fault and I thought I deserved everything I got no matter how bad it was, I had listened to all the lies my abusers told me, I believed them. The threats I received just to keep me quiet and in line were enough to keep anyone quiet, they scared the living shit out of me, my father knew I believed them, he followed through with his threats he always did and I knew that.  And of course the thing that made me keep silent later in life was because I loved them, they were my family and I didn't want to hurt them, yes it's true I loved them, everyone thinks you have to hate the people that hurt you, it doesn't always happened that way, don't get me wrong I hate them, I just love them as well, they are my family, this is what I was brought up with. I didn't want to be a burden or an embarrassment to the rest of my family, I didn't want to be the weak one or the nark. In my family we are supposed to be loyal and stick with your family no matter what, I tried I really did, But I shouldn't have needed to, these things that happened to me are illegal and just plain old wrong, I child even and adult should never have to put up with that. This is what I have finally learnt, I didn't deserve it, the people who have hurt me to be accountable for their actions, and helped.

I realised through the court trial who I could trust and who I couldn't, his family stuck by him, they lied for him, even my mother tried to hide our life, I realised she knew more than I thought, this broke my heart, she knew what was going on and she choose herself and him over me.

Families are supposed to protect each other even if that means from each other.

These people wanted to hide what my family had been through, and it worked, the 12 injurers found him not guilty, they sucked up his lies. The abuse that happened to me was "bizarre" says the defense lawyer, I must of made it up, I wish I had, I wish that was not my life, but it was.

I realised most of society want to hide from this topic are scared of it, so automatically there is victim blaming or denial.  I realised that to stop abuse this needs to change. It is society business that abuse is happening, abuse effects everyone, if you think it does or not, it is EVERYWHERE lets open there bloody eyes.

I am not sorry I went through this process, I would do it again even if I got the same result. The more people who know the better, I am a better stronger person for it.

 I am still me. Words are powerful, that's why they don't want you to tell, please speak up if you or someone you know is or have been hurt.

Sentinel